Context
What you are about to read is messy, but it is the truth. It is slightly long, but I want to give you as thorough a background as I can, to be complete. My goal in sharing it is to be transparent. I want you to see that God's ways are not our ways, and His thoughts are not our thoughts. (Isaiah 55:8-9).
My Background
I grew up in a semi-religious home in my development years. I was exposed to some precepts of the Christian faith through: my parents, a Lutheran private school I attended for a few years, and some family who had a deep Catholic background. As a child I heard some of the bible and a version of the gospel. As a young man I was not immediately hostile to hearing about God, nor of praying or reading the bible - but it was impersonal, and the idea of a relationship with God was unreachable. I prayed from time to time, but it was to an impersonal deity who answered in impersonal ways.
As a young man, my parents were bitterly divorced and I was raised by my mother in a new city, new school and completely different culture. I would experience poverty, extreme bullying, and molestation.
I was estranged from my birth father and would not speak to him for many years after the divorce.
My mother re-married. I was taught a sense of values as a child, and my stepfather reinforced many of those values which kept me from a lot of trouble, however most of the values I was being taught in school and from others around me attracted and influenced me much more.
I began to drink and use drugs, and sleep around with girls because it made me feel good and brought a temporary sense of peace.
I also found that working hard earned the respect of my parents and others and made them feel good - which also made me feel good.
I learned that standing up for myself and being violent prevented others from bullying me, and made others think I was tough - which felt good as well.
The desire to be tough, work hard and earn the respect of my stepfather helped me quit drinking and using drugs so that I could join the Marine Corps.
I joined the Marine Corps after high school and excelled. After 10 months in the infantry, I was nominated by my squad leader to try out for Special Forces. I spent the rest of my time in the military in special forces, and traveled to much of the world on deployment. The time I spent in the Marines was a time of humbling. I found myself outmatched in physical capability and toughness, and found a limit to the temporary peace I felt from attempting to be tough.
From traveling around the world, my eyes began to open to the type of world we live in. I saw places where people killed each other for power, as well as to survive. I saw places where peace was not a possibility - even with intervention from other nations. It was in the Marine Corps that I realized that even a hard life growing up in America pales in comparison to a good majority of the world we live in. It was in the Marine Corps that I learned the world we live in is harsh, merciless and wicked. I was grateful to have grown up in a country that was not like a good portion of the world we live in.
Near the time for re-enlistment, I was pulled over by the California Highway Patrol and received a reckless driving charge for drinking and driving. The highway patrol followed protocol for marines, and called one of the platoon sergeants in my unit that was on duty, and informed him of the charge. This particular platoon sergeant was an outspoken Christian, and although did not have to report the civilian charge (many of the duty sergeants did not report their marines), reported me to the brand new battallion commander.
The new battallion commander made an example out of me and gave me the maximum penalty, busting me in rank, fining me and restricting me to barracks for 45 days.
Knowing the duty sergeant was an outspoken Christian, and what I considered to be a "goody goody", I felt like his decision to turn me in would cost me my career in the Marine Corps, and in special forces - (as a result I did not re-enlist). At the time I did not see this as a result of my own actions, but the result of the duty sergeant being a "goody goody". Due to these circumstances, I began to hate those "goody goody" Christians in my heart.
While I was on restriction for 45 days at the barracks waiting for my service to end I watched a show on television about the expanse of the universe. I saw on screen some of the pictures from the Hubble telescope, and listened to astronomers describe the vastness of space. The reality of the sheer size of the universe and how utterly insignificant I seemed to be overwhelmed me. This began to humble me further. I distinctly remember saying to myself after this realization, "If there is a God in all that vast universe, He certainly couldn't care about me."
At this point in my life, I felt like all my personal dreams were dashed - and this because of a "Christian". For the next couple of years, I became a staunch "atheist", and whenever I heard someone talk about the bible, or Jesus I intentionally made fun of them, ridiculed them or hated them - but deep down inside I felt insignificant, and that there was no way a God could care about me any more than I could care about a molecule of water in the ocean, or a grain of sand on the beach.
After serving in the Marine Corps, I went to work for a check cashing company as a manager. I drank heavily in the Marine Corps, and now it became an addiction. I spent most of my days at work and my nights at the bar. I continued to sleep around, drink, and applied all my own will to increase the profitability of two branches I was managing in order to "climb the ladder". The majority of gaining profitability was giving out small high interest loans to people trying to pay their bills who were barely getting by, and taking a large percentage while cashing checks of people who couldn't get bank accounts. I did not feel bad about doing it at all, in fact I saw it as a service to the poor while making money for myself and the company.
How I met Jesus
After a year or so of working at the check cashing place, a girl from my past ( that was very special to me, who I knew in high school times, and visited couple of times while I was in the Marine Corps) looked me up and asked to meet for lunch. She heard that I was no longer in the Marines, and wanted to catch up.
I met her for lunch and the attraction was instant for me just like it was in high school. She informed me that her relationship with her husband was on the rocks, and I took this as an invitation. We began to have an affair while she was separated from her husband, and shortly afterwards moved in with each other.
She had grown up as a Christian and her parents were Christians. Although we were living with each other and at times felt very comfortable, I saw a deep sadness in her. Her parents continuously condemned our relationship - even calling me a child of the devil. I found their faith to be ridiculous and didn't understand why they had an issue with us living together - after all we "loved" each other.
Her parents would come over to the house constantly and leave books and other material around the house. Every time they would come over, my girlfriend would feel guilt and be sad for days.
One day I picked up one of the books that they left. My intent was to read it and to refute the arguments in it with my girlfriend so she would stop feeling guilt and sadness when her parents came around. The book was ridiculous, and I was picking it apart easily. As I read it, I saw a quote from scripture concerning the great white throne judgment (Rev. 20:11-15).
I wish I could put into words the experience that occurred when I read those words, but I cannot. The best I can do is say: when I read those words, every horrible and terrible thing I had done and was doing came flooding into my heart and into my mind, and I was convinced to the depths of my soul that there was a God, and I was His enemy. I knew I would stand before Him and be judged for all of the horrible things I have said and done.
Those words came alive and convinced me - beyond all worldly reason - of the reality of God, and the reality of the state of my soul. I would later learn that this was the Holy Spirit of Christ convicting me of sin and judgment.
For several days, I was depressed and felt like dying. My girlfriend asked me what was wrong with me, and I explained to her what had happened. She (reluctantly) shared the message of the cross with me. She shared that the reason that Jesus was crucified was because of all my sin, as a sacrifice for my sins, and to bring me into a relationship with Him and forgive my sins.
When I heard this, the message of the cross made sense for the first time in my life, and I believed. Instantly, God gave me His Holy Spirit, and all things became new (2 Cor 5:17-22). Immediately after believing - I prayed my first prayer as a Christian - "Thank you Lord for what you have done".
I was suddenly aware of the presence of God in my life, and now from inside of me. The desires of my heart had changed (and were changing). I had come into a relationship with a Living God. This was just the beginning. What I had experienced is what scripture spoke about being born again by the grace of God. (Eph. 2:1-22)
What Happened Next
What happened can be described as entering a new kingdom. I was no longer on the throne of my own life.
I had a newfound desire to pray. I no longer saw this as a way to be a "goody goody"or practice a religion, but a way to talk to God and know He was listening. The Lord answered my prayers in ways I never would have imagined.
I was consumed with reading the Bible, because now I knew that this was wisdom that came from the Eternal Creator, and was filled with His wisdom. I read it and understood it, because God was teaching me through His Holy Spirit - and opening up my heart and mind to understand His Word, and see the testimony of Jesus in it.
I immediately stopped drinking - the desire to do so left me completely. It would be many years before I would ever touch a drink again. I soon had a desire to be baptized, and to go to church to find other believers who had experienced what I experienced. I began to understand the need for repentance - and had to remove things from my life that interfered with my newfound relationship with Christ.
I moved out, and ended the relationship with my girlfriend - this was extremely difficult for me because a few weeks earlier I found out she was pregnant and I wanted badly to be with her. There was now a war in me to do what was right by her (in God's eyes, not the world's eyes), and I ended the relationship with her. Along with her friends and family, we convinced her to try to reconcile with her husband.
I also quit my job. I could not with good conscience continue doing it - my desires had changed completely.
I moved back in with my parents (which was very humbling) and spent several months working various jobs and saving money to get back on my feet. I spent most of these days alone in my room praying and reading scripture. I shared what had happened to me with many friends, family members and pretty much anyone who would listen - and most thought I had gone insane - many of them I would lose as friends. A lot of my family would get angry with me, because all I could talk about was Jesus.
I found a home church and began spending time with other members and in discipleship programs for the next year or so, trying to learn as much as I could about my newfound relationship with Christ.
After some time - my former girlfriend's relationship with her husband had ended. Her relationship with Christ had been restored, but her husband's heart had grown hard and they could not reconcile. She moved back to the city I was living in (raising three children - two from her previous marriage) and we began dating again. After much prayer and confirmation, we married and have been for the last 25 years.
For the next several years, my wife and I would serve in our church, participate in small groups, and grow in the word of God and our relationships with Christ. We would seek His wisdom to raise our family and share our faith and resources with many. We treaded lightly and walked humbly because of our past, but were not ashamed to share the message of the gospel. This came at a cost many times, but we were willing to pay the price.
We saw the presence of Christ change lives, and do many things that we never expected.
A Disconnect
After several years serving in our church, I began to notice very specific patterns. Many of our small group members, some church staff and other small groups were falling apart from sin. I began to see: divorce, greed, theft, adultery, serious sexual immorality, addiction and other sins that were not confessed, but instead hidden and destructive until they were found out. I saw little conviction of sin, and more of a sorrow for its consequences after destruction had already occurred.
I want to be clear here before continuing: Confession and repentance of sins, and receiving forgiveness is what being a part of the body of Christ is about. He will expose your sins, and when you confess and forsake them will restore your fellowship with Him and one another. (1John 1:5-10) .This is how I learned from His Word to fellowship with Christ, but that is not what I was seeing consistently.
We began to notice more and more many of the parts of God's word concerning repentance and holiness were less tolerated, and hiding sin becoming more and more acceptable. We began to notice the majority of the teaching from the head pastor and small groups focus on grace and forgiveness, as well as getting involved in, and inviting friends to the church to share grace and forgiveness. We noticed the main message becoming more about alleviating the consequences of a sinful lifestyle and improving marriage and finances and less in remembrance of the holiness of Christ, and how we escape the judgment of God through repentance and faith in Christ.
We began to see the relatively small church that we loved become more and more popular. We saw leadership decisions that were less and less obedient to the way Christ taught in scripture. We saw the goals of the church become more focused on church growth as well as being welcoming and comforting. We watched our church grow very quickly, and much of the practice of the faith in our groups and others become more and more comfortable with sin. This began to concern me deeply. It became a burden to go to small group gatherings, and painful to hear sermons at church. I found it more and more difficult to want to be involved, and to trust other group members. As a family we became more concerned with raising our children in this church. A deep burden began to grow in me.
One day after our small group had disbanded from broken fellowship (mostly because of the sin that had crept into it), I went to one of the Senior Pastors to discuss what we were seeing. I became concerned that my own perspective of scripture was not accurate, and attempted to submit to the leadership out of reverence for Christ. I was encouraged by the pastor to focus on the good things God was doing, and not to be concerned with some of the circumstances. I told the pastor that I was concerned that many in our group did not take God's word seriously and was afraid if we don't also talk about the parts of the scripture where holiness, accountability and repentance was concerned, that many people would not take sin seriously and our fellowship with Christ as a church would be harmed. I told him I was worried that unless they heard and believed those parts of scripture, we would likely see more and more of a superficial faith, that lacked in the sanctifying power of God's Spirit. I was informed that what I was talking about sounded like "legalism" and was not the model of this church. It was reinforced by the pastor that God was doing amazing things. He encouraged me to just stick with it and get as involved as I could. This conversation wounded me deeply, nevertheless we stuck it out for awhile longer hoping that things would change in us or in leadership. We attempted to join many other small groups, but felt very disconnected. I did not understand what I was seeing, or what God was doing in my heart, but it was very painful.
I stayed devoted to prayer, and testing everything I was seeing and hearing with scripture, and I became burdened in my heart for the courage to share the teachings of scripture with others, whether in church or elsewhere as I began to see things contradictory to scripture spread like wildfire.
A month or so later I was invited by another member to go downtown to share the gospel with strangers. This immediately appealed to me and I went. On the first night I noticed a tremendous difference between the gospel I saw and heard being shared and what I had become accustomed to hearing. After the evening of sharing with strangers I was introduced to a message called Hell's Best Kept Secret by Ray Comfort. God used this teaching to open my eye's to what had been lacking in most mainstream evangelical churches. I would spend the next 4 years sharing the gospel on the streets of many cities of the U.S. with complete strangers, with a proper understanding of how to share the gospel as the apostles and Jesus did.
During this time, my wife and I left the church we had been with for many years and joined a smaller church where the teaching was better. I had several conversations with the new pastor concerning what I had been shown. He seemed to be deeply convicted, but a few weeks after our last conversation, it was revealed that he was involved in some hidden sin, and our church was disbanded and he was removed as pastor. This again was a very painful time for our family.
After our church disbanded, from relationships developed sharing the gospel we began meeting with other folks in our home, as well as some neighbors. Most of the people we met with had similar experiences in churches in our city and around the country. I had grown very close with two of the men I was sharing the gospel with and we began meeting many times a week, praying and studying the scripture together, and then sharing what we were learning with our wives.
We went to many churches around the city, but never felt a connection like we did in our close meetings with one another. I grew very deeply in faith and friendship during this time.
After many months, my wife had developed a friendship with one of the other wives, and they went to work with one another. During this time, my wife was struggling because she observed many things at work she deemed unethical and manipulative, in order to gain money, and was causing her issues of conscience. The relationship she had with her boss and friend was becoming strained, and it began to cause tension. The tension increased and their friendship and work relationship began to suffer and my wife began to struggle with anger and bitterness.
During this time a new member of our small men's group met with us had been causing tension, and it had strained our relationships as well. I also began to struggle with anger, bitterness and distrust.
After time, the tension became so high that we stopped meeting with one another. A year or so later the tension at my wife's work led her to be fired, and also ended our friendship with this couple permanently.
For the next several years, we went from church to church as a family, but most of our time was devoted to building a new house, purchasing land and doing our best to raise our children. We continued to live out our faith, share the gospel with people we met in our lives and grow in relationships with other Christians, but for many years we gave up on trying to find a church home in our area, though we still visited many from time to time. I became very focused on a new career, and had a growing desire to isolate myself from others, except for family and very close trusted friends.
My personal prayer life had diminished some, and the study of scripture was less of a daily study. I was beginning to feel very distant from Jesus.
Repentance/Restoration
Around the beginning of 2020, news had begun to spread about the Coronavirus, and a global pandemic spreading throughout the world. The atmosphere on social media and the news as well as every day life had become extremely politically charged, and the vitriol and dissension among nearly everyone I know was getting very heated and elevating by the day.
As businesses were shutting down, fear gripped the nation from coronavirus. Growing racial tensions were causing rioting, looting and loss of life throughout many cities in America. I watched as political leaders were behaving corruptly and church leaders were being silent.
I spent many sleepless nights in bed praying for our culture, our nation, that God would wake up His church and restore the truth that changes lives with a deep burden in my heart for the condition of our country. I spent many days on facebook and in every day life discussing politics, quoting scripture from time to time, and getting very heated. I began to see the response of many churches falling prey to fear and a message that was causing dissension. I saw people from all walks of life do and say things that were horrible to each other daily and growing in intensity. When I began to see churches openly promoting Marxist ideology, caving to the culture, spreading fear and suppressing truth, I became angry and deeply sad at the same time.
One morning listening to a sermon, I heard a scripture I have heard a thousand times (2 Chronicles 7:13-15), but this time I heard it very differently. I heard it through the filter of the condition of our country, the state of the culture and churches, and this time instead of applying it to the culture I knew that I was to apply it to my own heart. I asked the Lord to reveal to me any sins hidden in my heart so that I can turn from them and be healed, and He began to expose them to me one by one.
He exposed lust I had hidden in my heart. He exposed bitterness and a lack of forgiveness that had crept into my heart towards the church and others who had at times wronged me and my family. He exposed a fear of man that kept me from boldly proclaiming what He taught me. He exposed covetousness that had crept in that was taking my focus from worshipping and serving Him. He exposed a pride that had crept in from wisdom He had given me, and that I was wise in my own eyes. He exposed my own idolatry of the church, as opposed to walking and listening to Him, and trusting in His word. He exposed a lack of faith to what He taught me and how I was wavering on someone else's teaching of it. He exposed many sins that had taken root in my heart over the years, many of which I was not even aware, though I know my fellowship with Him had suffered as a result.
For a full day, and a sleepless night he revealed to me hidden sins and things in my life that displeased Him. (This was His doing, not my own, but He was calling me to remove things hidden deep in my heart.)
As He opened my eyes to see my own condition, and I surrendered to Him, He filled my heart with a new understanding.
Much like the days when I first got saved, He has restored my soul. He has again given peace to my soul, and put a new song in my mouth. He restored to my soul a compassion for the church, for the world, and a deeper fellowship with Him. He has tamed my tongue to put away worthless things. He has shown me the depth and bondage of sin, and a compassion for those caught in its snare (both willingly and unwillingly). He has reminded me of the power of His word, and the great mercy He has given to man. He has shown me the folly of trying to change the world with my own wisdom. He has calmed the storm and anchored my soul in a deeper way.
I had heard, known, and believed, but now I understand that salvation, hope and restoration belongs to the Lord. No plan of His can be thwarted, and under His mighty hand no flesh will boast. He who calls also justifies, sanctifies and will redeem those whose trust is in Him alone. For the rest of my days, I will serve Him because He is worthy. He has sheltered me under His wings, and my confidence is in Him alone. He has sent out His message, and His mighty arm has been revealed and delivered me, yet again. (Hebrews 6:17-20, Psalm 27:4-6, Psalm 37:3-9, Psalm 62:1-8, Psalm 73:23-28, Psalm 130:1-8, Jeremiah 17:7-8, Romans 8:31-39 , Acts 3:17-26, Hebrews 12:28-29)
Thus says God, the LORD,
who created the heavens and stretched them out,
who spread out the earth and what comes from it,
who gives breath to the people on it
and spirit to those who walk in it:
“I am the LORD; I have called you in righteousness;
I will take you by the hand and keep you;
I will give you as a covenant for the people,
a light for the nations,
to open the eyes that are blind,
to bring out the prisoners from the dungeon,
from the prison those who sit in darkness.
I am the LORD; that is my name;
my glory I give to no other,
nor my praise to carved idols.
Behold, the former things have come to pass,
and new things I now declare;
before they spring forth
I tell you of them.”
This is my testimony to what the Lord has done, is doing, and will do. (Job 42:1-6)
